Yesterday I told my 8yo son that the Easter Bunny is a lie.

He was, understandably, pissed at me but I think he’s gonna make it.

2 days ago 9 notes
18th
April
20 notes
Reblog
Girls night!  My coworker found an out and starts her new job Monday. So now we are all pretending to look busy until 5 so we can leave here. 

Hold the camera in this fashion to shave 14 inches off your thighs. You’re welcome. 

My plan to brainwash my children into thinking the Easter Monkey comes to our house instead of a Rabbit will be tested this weekend. 

The cover letter I’ve been submitting to jobs all week is worth shit. I haven’t reviewed it, or edited it, in months. 

I WILL BE A BONAFIDE WIFE IN EXACTLY ONE MONTH FROM TODAY!!!

Girls night! My coworker found an out and starts her new job Monday. So now we are all pretending to look busy until 5 so we can leave here.

Hold the camera in this fashion to shave 14 inches off your thighs. You’re welcome.

My plan to brainwash my children into thinking the Easter Monkey comes to our house instead of a Rabbit will be tested this weekend.

The cover letter I’ve been submitting to jobs all week is worth shit. I haven’t reviewed it, or edited it, in months.

I WILL BE A BONAFIDE WIFE IN EXACTLY ONE MONTH FROM TODAY!!!

4 days ago 20 notes

Juan is a local 911 dispatcher and also is a DJ on the side. His DJ name is 9-1-Juan.

Best thing I learned all day.

4 days ago 13 notes
18th
April
97 notes
Reblog
4 days ago 97 notes

"Please do not, under any circumstances, play anything by Natalie Merchant."

- My closing in an email to the band playing at our wedding.

4 days ago 11 notes

Crossing fingers, toes, labials, tracks and eyeballs.

5 days ago 7 notes
17th
April
8 notes
Reblog
5 days ago 8 notes

Note to self:

When the Cubs lose while you’re sitting in your car on your lunch break, the radio doesn’t automatically shut off. It probably means you’ll need your coworkers jumper cables after work because you left your headlights on all day.

6 days ago 11 notes

If you’re over 6ft 4nches tall and have the option to order a new shirt in a size Regular or Tall and you to choose Regular size, then you should be forced to wear a shirt that looks like a crop top because everyone should know what a dumb mother fucker you are.

6 days ago 10 notes

Close your eyes and envision Johnny Depp marching through the airport, rocking the freshest shades, in the movie Blow.

(via ilovett)

6 days ago 349 notes
16th
April
1,302 notes
Reblog

(via animated-harvey)

6 days ago 1,302 notes

My hairstylist and I went and bought a couple packs of hair, she sewed clips onto the tracks and now I have reusable hair extensions. I wore them to work for a test run and received approval from the work crew.

I have clearly crossed the ‘natural beauty’ line but it’s nothing to be alarmed about.

6 days ago 13 notes
15th
April
12 notes
Reblog
Toosday Schoomzday

Toosday Schoomzday

1 week ago 12 notes

I can’t decide what makes me more outraged:
- Animal Abuse
- Child sex crimes
- Genocide
- World Hunger
- Doing the work of someone who makes $50K more than me, who attempted to take advantage of me when I was intoxicated 12 years ago, who happens to talk shit about me to my coworkers and is a straight up misogynistic, narcissistic dick-trickle fucking asshole.

1 week ago 8 notes
15th
April
32,449 notes
Reblog

(via infectedwithrage)

1 week ago 32,449 notes